Monthly Archives: November 2013

countdown to asstacy

over the past week, i have received at least 8 frantic phone calls from the north shore hospital scheduling desk, trying to put me into a more favorable time slot for my pending colonoscopy.

“yeah…9 oclock will work but really, you guys need to relax, you’re shoving a camera up my ass, not launching the space shuttle.”

my joke, created during the demerol-induced fog of my last ahh…”procedure” was that cook county is so behind-the-times that instead of using a fiber optic camera, they use an instamatic.

smile billy.

yes…it is hard to believe that 5 years have elapsed since my last colonoscopy but they have and now i am in the early throes of my low-fiber diet before beginning the colon blow procedure tomorrow afternoon. perhaps this is tmi but isn’t that what blogs are about? aren’t we supposed to reveal our inner secrets and hope for kind and courteous responses? take my polyps.


i am on the accelerated colonoscopy program because the last time, besides trying to fondle the nurses, i was the host for two precancerous polyps that somehow, managed to find a receptive, blood-engorged colon to make their home. they were so cute.

and actually, i blamed my grabby hands on the drugs; an excuse which worked until the nurse told me she hadn’t injected them yet. i best start working on an excuse for my tuesday appointment. of course, if i get a gay male nurse, never mind.

so the owl migration was the lowest i’ve experienced in 11 years, with very few hatch year birds. i kept going out to the nets thinking “this will be the night”…the night where i am a dervish of extractions banding and releases…but it never happened. still, my two humble nets managed to corral around 260 saw-whets, including several that i had banded in previous years.

and now, i am eager to get some snow because it is my goal to lose 30 pounds before the next mountain biking season…and as soon as i am done attaining the 15 pounds gained since the last mountain biking season, i can get to work on those 30.

i clean myself with a rag on a stick.

but back to my colonoscopy. i mean…isn’t that’s what blogs are all about?