the meatman cometh

there i was, hurriedly trying to get seeds sorted and poked into the dirt, when i heard a vehicle approach.  like the good, northern minnesota curmudgeon that i am, my first response was “who the hell is that?” 

i went to the door and in front of me, was a chevy panel van with the silhouette of a cow on the side.  it was the meat truck.

up here, we aren’t too proud to remove the tenderloins from the loser in an ungulate/vehicle collision and if there’s meat on the bone, we don’t give it to the dog, we make soup. 

the driver got out and directly asked if i had a freezer. 

“yeah, but it’s pretty small.”

“do you eat meat?”

“i prefer meat to all the other food groups, except ice cream.”

he looked at my solar panel array, and with a curious blend of befuddlement and envy said “you’re kind of living everyone’s dream here… do those things work?” 

“perfectly”, i said.

the last sales-types that came to my door were a flock of jehovah’s witnesses and they didn’t make a sale. but this guy had meat, not blind promises of eternal life so when he talked, i listened.

“look, i ran out of cash and i need to get back to the cities.  would you be interested in some meat?”

“what do you have?”

with that, he opened the van and crawled up into a chest freezer.  he opened the lid and threw 8 flat boxes onto the floor.  he opened each one, and the pride in his product was palpable.  there were ribeyes and t-bones and ground sirloin and flat iron steaks and bacon-wrapped tenderloin. 

“nice,” i said.

then the meat man began his pitch.  “look, i need gas and i’m willing to sell you some of this for cheap…for gas.”

“i don’t have much freezer space.”

“these stack easily…space saving, shrink-wrapped, grain fed beef, from pipestone minnesota.”

“which meat can i have?”

“anything you want.  two packages for 40 bucks worth of gas, and a little food money.”

perhaps the sound i heard in the distance wasn’t the roar of the mighty superior but instead, it was the sound of the turnip truck moving on to pay a visit to another clueless, north shore male. 

“hmmm….” i thought while performing a cerebral price check of similar product in the local grocery store…”that’s a pretty good deal” and with that, the meatman didn’t make a sale, i did.

i grabbed a flat pack of ribeyes and ground sirloin and followed the van with the cow into tofte where i pumped gas into his tank, shook hands, then departed to admire my bounty.

i opened the boxes and like he said, they fit smartly into the freezer.  nice, red meat that doesn’t look anything like roadkill.  and to make things even better, i now know what the meat truck looks like.


About borealbilly

i am cursed by nocturnal self-awareness. View all posts by borealbilly

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